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Monday, November 17th, 2003
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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
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Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where i laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more
Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, November 2nd, 2003
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everybody join friendster and add me i'm toxic shock
fun fun fun x
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 | The Big Five Personality Test | | Extroverted | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Introverted | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Friendly | |||||||||||||| | 58% | | Aggressive | |||||||||||| | 42% | | Orderly | |||||| | 28% | | Disorderly | |||||||||||||||||| | 72% | | Relaxed | |||||| | 26% | | Emotional | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Practical | |||||||||||| | 44% | Take Free Big 5 Personality Test |
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Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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bound to this couch, i lie in waiting
watching wind blown memories slip by my window sill
i can't fall asleep, voice in my head disturbs me
waking nightmares keep, have my cries fallen on deaf ears
Late night calls, perfect silence.
My heart, stolen away by a spirit,
a figure in the shadows, in the quiet.
How do you do what you do to me?
Strangle me so I can't breathe without you,
Suffocate your smiles whenever I'm near you.
I dream of once distant days (slowly dragging me closer)
I think of you and I together, perfection in it's entirety.
I ask myself, "what did i do to deserve you?"
I often found myself in the past asking," what i had done to deserve this heartbreak?"
Why are you so distant sometimes?
I can tell from the tones in your voice you're angry.
I can tell from your silence, your sighs, your conversation of your ex lovers.
I know what you're thinking.
It doesn't make sense does it?
I'm happy, I am happy, but I'm happiest with you.
Today I could not stop thinking of you x
All of the sudden she disappears
just yesterday she was here
Somebody tell me if I am sleeping
Someone should be with me here
(cause I don't wanna be alone)
Do you know what you did today, Do you know what you took away, You took the blue out of the sky, My whole life changed when you said goodbye, An' I keep crying, crying. Every day is just like the day before, All alone a million miles from shore, All of my dreams I dreamed with you, Now they will die and never come true,
An' I keep crying, crying
Even as I speak, I read, letters and notes of beauty to others. I am jealous, you know I am. Do you write beautiful things about me?
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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Though we are so similar, there is one important difference between you and I; the way we convey our feelings through pen and paper, fingers and keys. Where as your ability to write, astounds me, your every word beautiful, your every line is a sharp tingle through my heart, I still write like a child. You, the great author, me, the small girl hiding in the shadows. And this is where it all starts, my great fear of replying to you, expressing my feelings. It seems your soft, delicate words, full of hope(or in this case, fear?) are suffocated by my ugly, unstructured scribbles. Like now.
You're so full of hidden meanings, things you wont tell, place you wont go, but why? And I always intepret you wrong. You make it all out to be so weak, nothing's secure and at some point will come crashing around your feet. Sometime soon? No matter what you write, I always think there's a problem with us. I know your life does not revolve around me, it's just pure, simple selfishness, on my behalf.
Things are so hard now. Everything has you attatched to it. 'Red Is The New Black' reminds me of my time falling asleep on your bed, in your world, listening to this. The tear jerking harmonies in the chorus of 'your revolution is a joke' scream your name, and everytime I listen to it I can't help but cry. The scribbles of pictures on my walls, destroyed by you, marked by you, memories of you. Little keep sakes, words written down forever on my heart, photographs that don't look like you anymore, places we went, people we met. 'Perfect Blue Buildings' where I broke down and confessed my sudden realisation that I was nothing special, and you could do so much better. The Counting Crows are you, music is you and I now. Music keeps my sanity when you're not around. Music keeps my breathing, an addiction...like you.
And if I fall (will you be there to catch me?)
Waking up in the morning is too much. The light seeps through my tattered life to startle me. Like little rays of hope, they disappear within seconds, and as the rain starts, I know today will not be worth getting up for. So I wait until the last possible moment when I can no longer get away with holding those covers over my head like the small girl I am. And when the lights are on, and the realisation that day has begun, I cry. I am lost and alone and I'm not even sure why I'm here. I only live for you, only breathe for you.
Just in case I dont come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you
The music fills the room and tries to soothe the broken hearts of the world. I stand every morning in front of a mirror, slightly too low on the wall (or am I too tall?) and as I stare at this pale creature, at which I am repulsed by, I wonder what the appeal is to you. I never know why you love me, me who has caused so much hurt, distruction, discomfort in your life. And so I think of other people, other cool girlfriends with their cool hair and their cool clothes, other girlfriends with their passion for music like you, other girls who are more hardcore than me.
We all want something beautiful....I wish I was beautiful.
Then I remember you love me, you adore me and I can start the day. I wear clothes to impress, to make me feel better, clothes you like, pretending you're here, holding me and letting me know that I look great today with your 'how-you-doin's". But you're not here, and when you're not here I'm not here. No-ones here, the room is empty. I am empty.
Please don't be angry with me.
As the sun sets on the battlefields, i hope you can save me
I hope you can save our wounded hearts.
Distance makes my heart grow colder,
Distance makes my heart grow older
Just enough to cut the air from your lungs.
In times where it all seems too much, too hard, not worth it, just remember you have me. I'm not perfect, spilling over with flaws, full of hate and jealousy, but I love you, more that my own life. I'd die for you tonight.
xxxxx
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10 Bands I've been listening to lately
01 Funeral For A Friend
02 Coheed and Cambria
03 Death Cab for Cutie
04 The Blood Brothers
05 The Early November
06 AFI
07 Pretty Girls Make Graves
08 Brand New
09 The Counting Crows
10 Thursday
09 Things I look forward to
01 Al
02 Moving?
03 Having money
04 Wednesdays
05 Sundays
06 When I'm not working
07 Seeing friends
08 Seeing al
09 phone calls from further away
08 Things I like to wear
01 Shoes
02 Shirts
03 Rings
04 Badges
05 Cords
06 Belts
07 Make-up
08 Al on my arm
07 Things that annoy me
01 Al
02 Boyfriends
03 Ex boyfriends
04 Ex girlfriends
05 Emo
06 Scene fucking points
07 People who are hotter than me
06 Things I love
01 Al
02 Al
03 Music
04 Al
05 Al
06 Me...no can i swap that for al?
05 Things I do everyday
01 Sleep
02 Talk on the phone
03 Listen to music
04 Play the piano
05 Complain
04 People I want to spend more time with
01 Becci
02 Net people
03 Al
04 My dad
03 Movies I could watch over and over again
01 American Beauty
02 28 days later
03 Human Traffic
02 Of my favorite songs at the moment
01 Funeral For A Friend - 'your revolution is a joke'
02 Death Cab Foir Cutie - ' Transatlanticism '
01 Of my favourite lyrics at the moment
Tell yourself we’ll read
a note that says
I’m sorry everyone
I’m tired of feeling nothing goodbye
Wash your face
Dry your eyes
Cause you’ve been waiting a long time
Counting Crows - Black and Blue
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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| Time: | 8:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. | | Music: | Thrice - Artist in the Ambulance. |
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So I'm moving...
and there seems to be no support from anyone here. And I couldn't pick worse timing I Guess, Christmas and all. My mum even told me today I'd ruin christmas for her. But, maybe I should start being more selfish (if at all possible) and start thinking about how much I need it.
The more I seem to go on to him, I think, the less appealing.
I haven't slept properly in weeks, i'm too disorganised, too chaotic, too depressed.
I don't know where I'm going at the moment.
And yes, once again, I miss him
x
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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| Time: | 8:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | coheed and cambria - blood red summer. |
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I don't even know why I still update this.
Everything is so boring, everyday...boring. Maybe it's true what they say, it's the person that's boring.
I'm failing with everything
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Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  crazy. | | Music: | the faint. |
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message from me and al
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
he's here
thank god he is going soon
raaar
he knows he loves me really x
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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  discontent. | | Music: | Funeral For A Friend - Juneau. |
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I just read something I didn't want to really read.
I just can't let it go
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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| Time: | 5:03 pm. |
| Mood: |  wasted. | | Music: | Dance Hall Crashers - My Problem. |
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Al comes over on Saturday. Yay! It's a bit annoying cause my new job (oh yeah got the job in the record shop incase I didn't mention)said I didn't have to start work till Al went, which orginally he was coming on Thursday before. So I'll only get 3 full days with him, I guess we'll have the night. I just don't wanna feel like I wasted him coming over by the end of the holiday.
I can't wait! He's gonna meet the family....eeep scary!
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-- BODY ILLS AND SKILLS --
Nervous habits? Chewing sleeves, giggling and bracelets
Are you double jointed? Nope
Can you roll your tongue? No oh dear
Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? I wish!
Can you blow spit bubbles? err yeah
Can you cross your eyes? no it makes me feel funny
Tattoos? nope
Piercings and where? 7, two in each ear 6mm flesh tunnel, nose, tongue and side of lip
Do you make your bed daily? naa just when i go to bed
-- CLOTHES --
Which shoe goes on first? left
Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? no way i love shoes LOVE
On average, how much money do you carry in your purse/wallet?jack all im poor
What jewelry do you wear 24/7? bracelet from Al and a necklace
Favorite piece of clothing: Ramones halterneck
Favorite pajamas: errr ?
-- FOOD --
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? im a twirler
Have you ever eaten Spam? nope
Favorite ice cream flavour: vanilla
How many cereals in your cabinet? 4?
What's your favorite beverage? Tea
What's your favorite restaurant? Christies
Do you cook? depends, how hungry are you?
-- GROOMING --
How often do you brush your teeth? Twice a day
How often do you shower/bathe? everyday
How long does your shower last? 15 mins? maybe less
Hair drying method: dry it with a hairdryer
Have you ever coloured/highlighted your hair? me myself? no oh yes!
Do you paint your nails? not usually although i have blood red nails at the moment...dont ask!
-- MANNERS --
Do you swear? fuck no
Do you ever spit? not in public no
-- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE --
Animal: chinchilla or err dog
Food: toast or pasta
Month: December
Day: Next Saturday!
Cartoon: Thundercats!
Shoe brand: converse or vans
Subject in school: English literature
Colour: poyple
Sport: extreme
TV show: will and grace (random)
Best looking male celebs: matt davies, davey havok
Best looking male non-celeb: Al (i have to say that...joke)
Thing to do in Spring: give birth to baby lambs?
Thing to do in Summer: moan about the heat
Thing to do in Autumn: collect leaves?
Thing to do in Winter: whine about lack of heat
-- IN AND AROUND --
The CD player: Drive-Thru compilation
Person you talk most on the phone with: Al
Ever taken a cab? Yep
Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? yep
What color is your bedroom? Purple and animal fur
Do you use an alarm clock? phone alarm?
Window seat or aisle? Window
-- LA LA LAND --
What's your sleeping position? on the side with my legs bought into my stomach
Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? what the fuck?
Do you snore? i call it heavy breathing
Do you sleepwalk? have once
Do you talk in your sleep? a lot
Do you sleep with a stuffed animals? no
How about with the light on? No
Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? No
-- WHICH IS BETTER --
Coke or Pepsi? coke
Oranges or apples? Apples
One pillow or two? two
Deaf or blind? Blind... no music
Pools or hot tubs? Hot tub
Blondes or brunettes? Brunettes
Tall or short? Short
TV or radio? TV
Beach or pool? Pool
Tic-Tacs or Certs? tic-tacs
Snooze button or jump out of bed? sleep....zzzzz this is boring
Sunrise or sunset? Sunset
Hamburger or cheeseburger? vegetarian?
Morning or night? Night
Sports or news? news
Indoors or outdoors? Indoors
Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Christmas Eve
Cake or ice cream? cake
Spearmint or peppermint? Peppermint
Bath or shower? Shower
Book or movie? book
Green or red apples? Green
Rain or snow? snowy is magical
Nike or Adidas? neither
-- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU --
Took a shower? this morning
Cried? last week?
Talked on the phone? last night
Read a book? the other night before the other night
Punched someone? few days ago
-- THE FUTURE --
Where do you see yourself in ten years? still in love
Who are you going to be married to? Al
How many kids? two hardcore kids
Your profession: music technician
Future school: errr eton?
Car of your dreams? black bmw convertible
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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| Time: | 5:30 pm. |
| Mood: |  happy. | | Music: | Bulletproof. |
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Toxico_punk's
Battle Imp
is |
Ilon |
Backstabbing: 7
Dodgin': 9
Guts: 8
Magic Mojo: 1
Smackdown: 1
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Do you know one thing that really really fucks me off? When you're walking through town and people are walking into you or straight in front of you and everytime you try and move out the way they move with you. And in the end you get so fucking angry that you tell them to "get the fuck outta the way"...that happened today
You know what, I really like buses. They're great for thinking and staring at people and freaking them out. It's so quiet and contemplative on a bus. Al do you fancy having a mobile home?! x
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| Time: | 3:17 pm. |
| Mood: | missing al. | | Music: | Converge - For You. |
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I love these pictures, the whole atmosphere of them is great. Doesn't he look great?The lighting makes him look like an angel....I mean hardcore....Man he's so fucking hardcore
I love him xxxx
Hardcore as fuck
All Mine
Thinking nawty thoughts
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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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well fuck me al looks hot with tunnels
I HATE LIVING HERE!
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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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I've given up trying to make sense of these days anymore. I sound so fucking emo, but there's a difference between being an emo kid and just being fucking miserable.
God I'm so miserable, and don't you dare say that I'm never happy anymore because I am, when I'm with you. How pathetic it has become crying in front of a computer screen, crying at words that don't even fucking piece together anything that I'm feeling.
I'm so fucking angry with myself
I can't do anything anymore. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely construct a sentence without mentioning those two letters. I'm so angry I've let myself become to obsessed. And what was the point of writing this all? Just so he can read it, think you're weird and maybe mention it in brief conversation (which is all we have now) later, where I'll just shrug it off like its nothing. You're right, I don't want to talk about it, I don't want you to think I'm pathetic, which we both know I am.
I hate the way you phone me late at night now, where we're both too tired to talk and we talk to little.
I've never been in love before.
I haven't even sent you that package I was supposed to the other day, just because I didn't want to leave the house. I know you'll be pissed off about that. You're too good for me, and you're right you are too "hardcore" for me. I hate knowing you will read this, it's so pathetic. I could make it private but I guess, like you said, i crave attention.
I wish it didn't hurt, hurt like this, To say these things to you. I'll sacrifice one moment for one truth.
If we get through tomorrow then we'll be fine. We'll wait for forever and see how close we get
Why now?! Why after two or so years of this, this that we have managed to battle through? Why does it fucking hurt so much now?
xXx
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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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Al's just had a 14mm tunnel and a 6 mm tunnel scalpelled into his ears
i bet he looks hot
guess that beats my 8 then
Al go to comments box and reply to this post with a picture
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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toxico_punk's journal
angry.
